5 Ways You’re Ruining Your Non-Stick Pans by Paul Tristram

1. You should never leave ‘Magic Mushrooms’ boiling unwatched, ever!
No matter how merrily they are dancing and singing away to themselves… they are simply not to be trusted. They are full of murder, mayhem and mischief. Just 30 seconds or so away from the stove, to book the evenings £8.50 Hooker, or to hide under the stairs from the BANGING Bailiffs and the results could well be catastrophic.
‘Little Cunts’ they are and ‘Little Cunts’ they will always stay, when not being closely monitored. Your ‘Sanity’ is at stake here, for Christ Sake… and if that’s not enough to get you rightfully worried, they’re also dab-hands at pyromania. Remember, ‘Arson’  carries a Mandatory Life Sentence, even if you are home alone when the blaze kicks-off. They take the endangerment of The Fire Brigade and any neighbours close by, very fucking seriously indeed. Oh, and one but important detail, blaming your ‘Psychedelic Dinner’ for actually starting the fire, behind your back, does not stand up in a Court Of Law as a defence strategy… unless you are looking for time in ‘The Looney Bin’ instead of ‘Prison’.

2. ‘Panning People’ is often times an extremely fun and enjoyable past time. There is nothing quite like the Whoooooosh… Ding!’ sound of slapping someone across the bonce with the flat underside of a frying pan. But after a few wallops it starts to play havoc with the Teflon. We suggest that you keep your ‘Old Pan’ handy as a spare, for these special sporting occasions.

3. Ex’s; in fact don’t even let the useless fuckers back in the house, never mind your kitchen, for fuck sake, mate, no good can come of it. That’s where you keep the oil, gas, boiling water, knives and other really sharp and pointy objects. You know the Roger Moore, yeah. One word and one word only ‘Vindictive’.

4. First Dates; that’s what Wetherspoon’s is for, you numpty, what are you thinking? Stop letting the little head make decisions. You should never be ‘Cooking’ with all that ‘Sexual Energy’ and fucking ‘Cock-Blindedness’ exploding around and inside of you. In fact, you shouldn’t even be smoking cigarettes around ‘Her’ until you can cum in a decent time, place and manner, you lunatic.

5. Family and Friends; Fuck ‘em, let them buy their own. Are you ever ‘round there bothering them like a begging pest for theirs, no, right then, exactly. They’ll never come back the same, and that’s if they ever come back at all? This will potentially spark off a disastrous chain of events resulting in something atrocious, violent and horrible happening. Soon enough you’ll be fighting with people whom you once loved dearly. There’s nothing nastier than punching fuck outta someone you’ve forgiven for ‘Small Things’ over decades. Shit like that mounts-up, sunshine… and when that ‘Dam’ finally ‘Does One’… well, it doesn’t bare thinking about. Burying a Brother or Mother is never very pleasant at the best of times, especially when you are standing, handcuffed like a criminal’, between two uniformed Screws. There’s this guy in HMP Belmarsh doing 30 Years for an incident that went tits-up rather rapidly over a cracked plastic fucking egg timer. You have been warned.

paul smoking - Copy

Paul Tristram is a Welsh writer who has poems, short stories, sketches and photography published in many publications around the world, he yearns to tattoo porcelain bridesmaids instead of digging empty graves for innocence at midnight; this too may pass, yet. Buy his books ‘Scribblings Of A Madman’ (Lit Fest Press) http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1943170096 ‘Poetry From The Nearest Barstool’ at http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1326241036 And a split poetry book ‘The Raven And The Vagabond Heart’ with Bethany W Pope at http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1326415204 You can also read his poems and stories here! http://paultristram.blogspot.co.uk/

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