Bacterial Vaginosis by Paul Tristram

“Oh, Hiya boys, c’mon in, don’t be shy.
Aw, that fridge-freezer looks heavy…
beauty though, innit, looks a right cracker.
Wait until my bloody sister-in-law sees this,
she’ll be as sick as a pig with envy.
Yes, that’s it, straight on down the hallway,
I know, it’s a little bit narrow, ain’t it,
through the kitchen and out into the utility room.
Now, the old machine’s out the back garden
waiting for you, I’ve wiped it all down inside,
I’m sure you’re only going to scrap it anyway
but them nosey neighbours of mine
will be a-curtain twitching, I bet you,
and the door might fly open as you carry it out.
I know it’s your last delivery of the day
so here’s a £20 spot each for your beer kitty
and my useless husband Ernie’s
got a couple of Heineken’s waiting for you
back in the living room, to take the edge off.
Only whatever you do, for Christ Sake!
don’t have none of the corned beef stew
if he offers it to you…(whispers)…
I’ve only gone and spiked the sodding thing
with a nice dose of ‘Bacterial Vaginosis’
and I won’t be happy until he’s polished it off.
That’ll teach him for making a fool out of me
in church last Sunday, in front of everybody,
staring at that Widow Williams like that.
But, you can have the bread, try some,
I baked it myself, dew, it’s bloody lovely, mun.
Alright then boys, I’m going tats down the road,
thanks a million and drive safely, ta-ta for now!”

Arty Pic Of Pauly

Paul Tristram is a Welsh writer who has poems, short stories, sketches and photography published in many publications around the world, he yearns to tattoo porcelain bridesmaids instead of digging empty graves for innocence at midnight; this too may pass, yet. Buy his books ‘Scribblings Of A Madman’ (Lit Fest Press) ‘Poetry From The Nearest Barstool’ at And a split poetry book ‘The Raven And The Vagabond Heart’ with Bethany W Pope at You can also read his poems and stories here!


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