“Sarg, there’s absolute hell up here, mun!
You’d better send backup immediately,
if there’s any WPC’s on?
get them in riot vans, a bit sharpish, like.
It’s not ‘Gang Activity’ as was first reported,
Christ knows, we’re team-handed
& we could have handled that kind of carry-on.
It’s far worse, see… it’s a cowing ‘Hen Night!’
They’ve been on ‘The Lash’ in Maesteg
since dinnertime and it’s now 4:35am.
They’ve got a Milkman trapped in a phone box
& he’s literally shat himself & is crying like a baby
whilst whimpering ‘No, no… I’m not getting my cock out’.
PC Thomas lost his helmet in the first scuffle
& PC Davis a truncheon in the third or forth,
a Scrum-Prop looking one shoved it up her skirt,
you can write that off… we’ll never get it back!
What? … Oh, I’m up on the roof of The Chippy,
I’m not bloody daft, mun… they’re worse than animals.
I’ve never been so frightened in all my life,
Basic Training didn’t cover anything like this?
They’ve threated to set fire to a bus stop next,
to get the Fire Brigade here… only don’t send them,
it’s a trap… it’s what the dirty buggers want!
Look, I’ve got to go, they’re flinging tampons up,
get female reinforcements here now on the double.
You can’t miss them, they’re wearing next to nothing
with ‘Welsh & Proud’, ‘Princess’ & ‘Cute As Fuck’ sashes,
oh, & Red Dragon ‘Cymru Am Byth’ cowboy hats.
Chanting ‘Oh lay, oh, lay, oh lay, oh laaaaayyyyyy’
& yelling ‘Dick or Death’, hurry, please,
or someone’s going to get seriously molested or killed!”