You know what I miss most about getting drunk? Slow dancing to dive bar jukeboxes.
I can play a mean jukebox. Seriously–I can’t count the times a stranger asked
if that was my music and complimented the song choices.
I’d like my spirit of good jukebox playing to live on. So here’s how to play a jukebox.
Pro-tip: have a strategy, but make it appear effortless.
1. Get your songs kind of ready in your head before approaching the jukebox.
You’re probably not the only person in the joint. Don’t bogart.
2. Go for eight songs. Any less is a weird teaser, more is okay, but not more than 10.
If you want more than 10 songs, do it in two doses of eight.
3. Have a quasi-theme. Roll with it. Commit.
4. The first song has to be one you don’t need to sing along to because you’ll still
be at the jukebox playing the rest of your money. So make it good, but not fabulous.
You’re just getting warmed up here.
5. DO NOT EVER hit “play first” and cut in on someone else’s music.
That’s rude. Don’t be a fucking animal.
6. Build up. Song six should be your proverbial denouement,
then come back down to end majestically at eight. Leave ’em wanting more.
7. Make the eighth song one that everyone can sing along to.
Or if you’re drunk enough, one that you can sing along to loudly
enough to pretend everyone else is singing with you.
Ignore the staring. Pretend it’s because you’re amazingly attractive.
8. This isn’t really the time to experiment with instrumental music.
Curious about pan flutists? Play that shit at home. No one else wants to hear it.
9. Know your audience. Is this really the time for Lucero? Trick question. It’s ALWAYS time for Lucero.
10. It’s okay to play the same band, but not for all eight songs–that’s called being a Jukebox Asshole (JA).
Let’s say three songs by the same band is fine.
You’re heartbroken and whiskey-stupid? Fuck it. Go for all eight.
That sums up the very basics. I wish you all jukebox joy.