One Size Fits All Assholes by Ben Newell

I’m at the library,
flipping through the current issue
The New Yorker
when I see an ad for an authentic European beret.

Sixteen bucks plus three for shipping
and handling.

Wow . . . .

For a mere nineteen clams I can look like a neo existentialist
with a hard on for Sartre—

I think I’ll pass;
the beret only works when worn
by attractive women, skate punks, and soldiers of fortune;
you’re just another quasi bohemian douche bag
trying way too hard
to recreate a scene from a Parisian café
Greenwich Village coffeehouse.

Move on.

Give it up.

Let it go.

And while you’re at it,
shave that abortion
off your chin.

Ben Newell 2

Ben Newell, 43, works as a library clerk at a small college in Jackson, Mississippi. His poems have appeared in The Blood Machine, Chiron Review, LUMMOX, Nerve Cowboy, Pink Litter, and other underground publications. He is a Bennington College dropout.


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