The Etiquette Of Perversion (Or A Little History Of The Masked Fiend Partial To A Little Feminist Toilet Seat Pissing!) by Paul Tristram

“Ok class, today we are going to focus upon non-violent, home intruders.
A few decades ago, all the way back at the time of the Millennium, there was the strange case of Rupert Aubrey.
An ordinary sort of bloke on the surface, by all counts. Batchelor, lived in a cosy little flat in middleclass suburbia, worked as a shipping clerk, was competent and reliable in his job.
No Religion, abstained from alcohol, drugs both legal and illegal.
No children, collected and built model trainsets, no friends only acquaintances, had dinner each Sunday with his mum who lived a mile and three quarters away. Wore a lot of grey.
Unassuming in every single detail, apart from the fact that he was caught, uninvited, in the bedroom of Susan Starflucker’s home. Susan was an actress (I used that term loosely here!)
in a strange sort of ‘Sheeping Experiment’ the Government was involved in back in the day, based upon ‘real life’ (I use that term loosely here!) TV shows.
Immediately the Police realized that they had in fact caught the ‘Pervert Prowler’ whom they had been exhaustively searching for the last eighteen months or so.
Up until this point, the authorities had been at a loss to profile, nothing was ever damaged or stolen from the twenty five properties which Rupert Aubrey had broken and entered.
The victim’s were never at home when he unlawfully presented himself within their place of residency and he had disappeared before their return.
His focus seemed to be in his actual ‘calling card’ which was to urinate profusely over the toilet seats of well known Celebrities expressing (what he considered extreme!) Feminist views in interviews, newspaper articles and upon TV panel shows.
After the ‘Scenting’ had taken place, he would adjourn to the boudoir and strategically place a polaroid of his limp dick within their knicker drawer.
He was only caught on this occasion because whilst in the bathroom ‘happily gushing forth his crime’ he had spied tampon wrappings in the waste basket next to the sink and three public hairs (two auburn, one grey!) upon the actual toilet seat which he was desecrating.
The combination of both discoveries, led to a chain reaction which resulted in him becoming erECT, which slowed down his entire operation drastically, resulting in him overstaying his allotted seven and a half minute time slot.
He was in fact arrested after a guest sleeping in the next room was disturbed by his cursing and growling and telephoned the police whom, as luck would have it, had a two manned car travelling down the next street.
He later claimed in ‘Cautioned Interview’ that he was still busy trying to de-ERect his penis by violent slapping, pinching and thoughts of tuna fish and sweetcorn pizza when the aforementioned Law Officers burst in and ordered him to remove his furious hands from his weapon and un-spread his legs.
A few days later he was Sectioned under the Mental Health Act and became a permanent resident at Broadmoor Secure Hospital, where he worked in the gardens up until his heart attack in 2025.
When asked why he did not just take and leave a polaroid of his erect or semi-erect dick, thus sticking to his seven and a half minute deadline, he replied sincerely,
“Why, it’s a matter of etiquette, completely!”
He also stated in letters to several female fans that his only regret (Apart from getting caught!) was in being outfoxed by ‘That Greer’, apparently he had entered her Berkshire home on several occasions but she had cunningly removed her toilet seat and her underwear drawer was either so cleverly hidden or non existent, that he had always left feeling depressed, suicidal and beaten until finally moving on to someone else!”

paul smoking

Paul Tristram is a Welsh writer who has poems, short stories, sketches and photography published in many publications around the world, he yearns to tattoo porcelain bridesmaids instead of digging empty graves for innocence at midnight, this too may pass, yet. Buy his book ‘Poetry From The Nearest Barstool’ at http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1326241036 And also read his poems and stories here! http://paultristram.blogspot.co.uk/

 

 

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