Love And All That Shite by Paul Tristram

It was our third day together as boyfriend and girlfriend and we had decided to try and do it sober.
We were very quiet that morning, quite shy and awkward with each other yet very smiley all the same.
She cooked us up a lovely breakfast of scrambled eggs with mushrooms, bell peppers, fried potatoes and bacon, with some real coffee, man I absolutely love her cooking, she sure knows her pots and pans.
After we had broke our fast, we had decided that since it was a beautiful day and I needed to get some more Kio food that we would take a walk up to the garden centre a couple of miles north of the town and enjoy the weather and our sober gentle day together.
Before setting off on our trek we went to the corner Spar shop to replenish my cigarette paper supply and whilst in the afore mentioned shop we happened by the bargain section, where I spied a quantity of cold just out of date bottles of banana milkshake for 50 pence each.
“Just the ticket on a day like this!” I declared aloud, my new girlfriend agreed whole heartedly and I picked up two from the herd and we made our way to the checkouts.
Outside we lit up a smoke each, me a roll-up made with ‘Golden Virginia tobacco and green Rizla papers’ whilst she ignited a ‘Marlboro Lights 100’ and opening up our banana milkshakes we set out on our walk.
After we had finished our drinks and cigarettes we held hands and talked of nice things, in between her continually squealing in excitement and running a few feet away to take a photo of something new that had caught her eye. She was really into taking photos back then and recording practically everything that we saw to keep a record of our courting days.
She even took a photo of a monkey on a giant banana statue, which was actually quite creepy but after cringing slightly I did eventually smile at the picture and then tried to banish it from memory forever.
When we arrived at the garden centre I went to get the Kio food and she went to buy some ribs, she‘s American and can never to this day get over the fact that a whole side of ribs are only one pound and twenty five pence, it’s just one of those little miracles that she shares all to herself, while I just shake my head and smile at her, bewildered.
We had a pleasant walk home until we got three streets away, I could feel something suddenly moving in my stomach, I started walking faster and she quickened her pace with me. “Aw” I thought to myself, she’s such a sweetheart!
Then it happened in my stomach again, there was something very wrong going on downstairs, so to speak, I thought that I might need to fart but I couldn’t take that chance being three streets away from home, sober and holding on to my new girlfriends hand.
The smiles had vanished, she looked concerned, I was sweating like a pig, we made it to the house, I ripped my backpack and coat off and turned to head upstairs clenching my arse cheeks together like a vice when she suddenly disappeared through the door in front of me with a,
“I’m just going to the bathroom quickly, baby!”
“O-o-o-k-a-a-y!” I stammered after her, wincing.
“She’s only going for a quick pee” I thought to myself.
I paced up and down the living room then out into the kitchen and back, it was now painful, I was cramping and it felt like my guts were going through a mangle, it felt like she had been upstairs for ten minutes.
“I am going to explode” I thought to myself, the pain now being unbearable, I was actually doubled up in pain, I was about to get a carpet burn on my forehead and I was standing up, well kind of.
I felt like screaming, then I felt like crying, then I just wanted to vanish!
One movement, just a fraction of a shift and I would be in deep shit, I clenched tighter.
“Come on boy, you’re a warrior, focus, fight it, God Damned you, fight it!” I screamed inside my head.
I walked sideways to the bottom of the stairs and called up,
“H-h-honey, will you be much longer, I really need to go?” in a voice that I swear sounded like a whinging fox.
“Ok baby, I won’t be long, put the kettle on will you?” came her reply.
“Put the kettle on? she had better not be brushing her hair or cleaning her teeth or I swear I’ll kill her!” I thought to myself.
I was now past the point of agony and something had to give, I was literally about to shit myself and my clean clothes were upstairs, if this happened she would exit the bathroom and see me in the bedroom covered in shit trying to change, the shower was in the bathroom hidden from me, I would not be able to clean myself.
I thought about going in the cupboard under the stairs and shitting in a carrier-bag, but the carrier-bags have holes in them and what about the smell?
I thought about going out the back and shitting in the garden and blaming the dog but what if she looked out of the window and saw me bent over like an animal?
“But I’ve got to do something!” screamed the voice inside my cranium.
I was about to strip from the waist down and to leap up onto the kitchen worktop and squat over the sink when finally I heard the bathroom door opening and her walking into the bedroom.
I was clutching at my sides and felt like I was about to give birth to the Devil’s twins through my poor arsehole when I took off at a gallop, taking four stairs at a time, I rushed past my girlfriend standing in the bedroom doorway so fast that she actually spun around.
I had my strides and shorts down to my knees with one hand and was slamming the bathroom door with the other when the muscles in my arsehole started giving to the impossible strain, I long jumped through the air, half the length of the bathroom, spinning in mid air and landing on the toilet just as the molten waterfall exploded.
“Arghhhhh, Oh My God, Save Me, Please!” I begged and yelled in a voice filled with pain and terror yet strangely orgasmic sounding?
Some spit run down my chin, as it came out spurt after spurt, my legs were shaking like I was about to be hanged, I thought I was going to have a fit.
“I’ll be here for weeks, will this ever end?” I thought wretchedly.
I sat there for a good ten minutes after the last trickle had left me, just shaking and sighing and slightly suicidal.
When I had cleaned myself up, I gingerly walked out of the bathroom and there was my girlfriend on the landing, she was looking white too.
“I think it was a mistake buying those banana milkshakes from the Spar shop?” she said.
I just wanted to die.
“Let’s go to bed and lay down?” I suggested.
So we did, on top of the bed covers, she cuddled into me from behind and we rocked back and fore like two mental hospital patients, gently, gently, gently.
As I fell asleep the last thing I saw in my mind’s eye was that monkey on that giant banana.

Paul Tristram is a Welsh writer who has poems, short stories, sketches and photography published in many publications around the world, he yearns to tattoo porcelain bridesmaids instead of digging empty graves for innocence at midnight, this too may pass, yet. Buy his book ‘Poetry From The Nearest Barstool’ at  And also read his poems and stories here!

Paul Tristram is a Welsh writer who has poems, short stories, sketches and photography published in many publications around the world, he yearns to tattoo porcelain bridesmaids instead of digging empty graves for innocence at midnight, this too may pass, yet.
Buy his book ‘Poetry From The Nearest Barstool’ at
And also read his poems and stories here!


One thought on “Love And All That Shite by Paul Tristram

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s